The ability to assert one’s self is an essential element of living a life that is fulfilling. This involves clarity on one’s emotional experience, accurately interpreting how another’s actions have contributed to the evolved emotion, and clear communication with the other about consequences. The process of self assertion validates one’s own perspective and let’s the other know your perspective is important.
THE PROCESS OF SELF ASSERTION VALIDATES ONE’S PERSPECTIVE AND LET’S THE OTHER KNOW YOUR PERSPECTIVE IS IMPORTANT.
This can be a scary process for someone who often minimizes their feelings and thoughts, has a pattern of putting others needs before their own, or often anxiously doubts their perspective. Alternatively, this can also be a dubious process for those who are often aggressive, bullish, and apathetic when getting their needs met.
While asserting one’s self does not always lead to changing another’s behavior, it does accomplish the more salient goal of developing the ability to express your needs in a way another person can hear. The DEESC script is a Cognitive Behavioral Method that provides clear steps on how to assert yourself.
Describe the situation using only the facts of what occurred and not your interpretations of the other’s intent. When you talk over me when we’re speaking.
Express how you feel when the situation occurred. It makes me feel like what I’m saying is less important than what you’re saying.
Empathize with the other person and what their perspective may be. This is a critical and often forgotten component. I know sometimes you’re excited about what you want to say and may not even notice.
Specify what you would like the other person to do, to change, to stop doing. However, I would like you to not talk over me when I’m speaking.
Consequences of what can happen if the other continues their behavior or makes the requested changes. It will make our great conversations so much more comfortable for me, if we listen to each other. If you continue to speak over me when we’re talking, I don’t think I can continue to hang out with you as often.
Asserting yourself can be a challenging process and requires patience, practice, and motivation. The rewards are an increased comfort with validating your emotional experience, appropriately addressing others that may not recognize your boundaries, and asking for your needs to be met in a way another person can hear.
Adaobi Anyeji, Phd
Clinical Psychologist
The Blue Clinic
Specializing in the treatment of sadness, depression, worrying, anxiety
Los Angeles based Private Psychology Practice
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